Chase Daniel Tasty Pick of the Week (Madison Queekfest Championship Boogers)

As another Fantasy Football season has come and gone, it begs a very meaningful question:

What the fuck happened?

I don't care about minor issues like "preserving the integrity of the game" and "the health of players". Fuck that. Let's go to 18 games.

Where did the season go? I can't believe it's almost over. Feels like it was just yesterday that we were incoherently blasting each other in a PBR-induced drunken-diharretic shartfest regarding how big of a step a Cutler-led Bears team would take towards contention (negative 4 wins), how Pagel would blow this season (Marion Barber), how Stafford would fare (a Leinart-ian 20 interceptions in 10 games), and who would win the fantasy championship (anyone but Nate).

For two people, the latter dream persists. Come, let us celebrate their luck!

Delicious Corn on the Schaub (C. Nies) vs. The Order of Fuckin' Donuts (R. Argall)

TALE OF THE TAPE



Gizzi has a shot if Miami, with the playoffs to play for, can bottle up Chris Johnson (currently giving up an average of 16 ppg). Dallas Clark's 2 TDs helped offset a bit of the Peyton Manning Thursday Night Festival, but it'll still be an uphill battle for The Cuddly One, who went to the depths of the nearest toilet to fish out such floating pieces of dump as Quinton Ganther, Michael Crabtree, and the Bills Defense. Although I'd love to see Crabtree make RWA eat his words about him never reaching "elite WR" status...

Pick: The Order of Fuckin' Donuts 125, Delicious Corn on the Schaub 112

He's Jay Cutler

Catchy tune. The first 2 minutes or so are pretty funny.

Evaluating Decisions Properly

Commentators of all types have spent the week calling shenanigans on Bill Belichick for his decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28. The SG finally weighed in today. To put it mildly, he was not a fan of the decision.

The gist of the Simmons column is this- Stats are fine, but you have to use your eyes. Watch the game! And when the two don’t match up, the stats can't be trusted. I don't really fault Simmons for saying this sort of thing. It's how most people think. Here's an example of his thought process:

“In the biggest game of the regular season, when a football coach tries something that -- and this is coming from someone who watches 12 hours of football every Sunday dating back to elementary school -- I cannot remember another team doing on the road in the last three minutes of a close game, that's not ‘gutsy.’ It's not a ‘gamble.’ It's not ‘believing we can get that two yards.’ It's not ‘revolutionary.’ It's not ‘statistically smart.’ It's reckless. It's something that should happen only in video games, and only when you and your roommate are both high.”

I happen to think that’s a poorly reasoned paragraph. But I would bet that Bill Belichick wants every single coach and player the Pats play to think in that same way. He’s a great coach precisely because Belichick isn’t afraid to take the heat. Remember when he called for an intentional safety? I bet that if they had lost that game, he’d be getting the same reaction as he is now. That time it worked, and he’s a genius. This time it didn’t, and he’s a complete moron. But none of that matters to him. All he cares about is winning. Joe Posnanski made this point better than I ever could. The reason he wants people to think like Simmons is that he can exploit it and put to his advantage. He knows that decisions cannot be evaluated by the result, only by the expected result at the time the decision was made.

The problem with the anti-Belichick arguments is that they're on the fact that the attempt failed. Had the attempt succeeded, Belichick would be hailed yet again as a genius. Decisions, even in sports, have to be evaluated based on the circumstances the decision maker faced at that moment in time. Belichick knew that going for it gave the Patriots the best chance of winning.

(If you want to bring in the non-probability factors, he had, as recently as the 2006 playoffs, lost a late lead to the Colts by giving Peyton Manning a chance to win the game. In this game, the Colts were rallying and the Pats D was worn down. Lastly, the “not trusting the defense” argument fails because it’s equally arguable that he was saying- “look, defense, we’re going to go for it because it maximizes our chance to win, but if it fails it’s all up to you guys.” But none if this is the point.)

The point is that it was the right decision at the time, and Belichick was not afraid to make it. Most coaches wouldn't have the balls (see below).

Pats fans should be thankful to have a coach like that at the helm.

____

It could be the case that the Sports Guy (and those like him) just don't understand probabilities. Look at the analogy he chose-

'But by Monday night, based on various columns and message boards (as well as e-mails to my reader mailbox), you would have thought Belichick was a genius for blowing the game. He played the percentages! It wasn't as crazy as it looked! By this logic, Belichick also should have held a loaded pistol to his head on the sideline, spun the chamber and tried to shoot himself like Chris Walken in "The Deer Hunter." If those 1-in-6 odds came through and he succeeded, we could have said, "Hey, he played the percentages: 83.6666 percent of the time, you don't die in that situation! You can't blame him for what happened!'

The analogy fails horribly because “the percentages” in the Deer Hunter case are-

Choice 1- Walken doesn’t put the gun to his head. Chance of dying- 0%.

Choice 2- Walken puts the gun to his head. Chance of dying- 16.67%.

It’s obvious which choice is “playing the percentages.” (Also, does the SG have editors? 5/6 is 83.33%.)

In Belichick’s case

Go for it- Win Probability: 79%

Punt- Win Probability: 70%.

(Numbers taken from Advanced NFL Stats.)

Going for it is playing the percentages.
_____


(further reading- Stevin Levitt @ Freaknomics. Coaches and the principle-agent problem. TMQ makes this point often, too.)

NBA Age Limit, College BBall, and Europe

Recently Buzz Bissinger and Gregg Easterbrook offered their thoughts on the NBA's age limit. The focus is mostly

1) Is it good for the players to go to straight to the NBA from high school?; and

2) Is it good for the NBA and the NCAA?

I think the first point is mostly irrelevant. Whether or not it's "good" for the players is up to them. However corrupting millions of dollars might be for 18 and 19 year olds, the fact is that these players are legal adults and have the right to decide for themselves how they want to live their lives. Commentators can certainly offer advice, but they shouldn't premise their argument on the idea that going straight to the NBA is bad for the players.

I think #2 is the main issue. The NBA cares about the product it puts on the floor, and having 18 year olds learn the game on the court diminishes the quality of the product. I don't think anyone can argue with that. For every LeBron, there are many more Kwames, and even Kobes (he sucked, but he didn't play a ton of minutes, either)(p.s.- that's Kobes as it multiple Kobe Bryants, not Kobes as in "come on! Kobes!). So Stern and co probably have an interest in keeping the age limit at 19 or raising it to 20.

The NCAA would LOVE it if the NBA raised their age limit to 20. NCAA spokesmen might crow about how college helps kids mature and teaches them life skills, but we all know that's BS. They care about one thing: money. Better star power in college basketball means better ratings and more money. End of story. They couldn't care less about the athletes. They're probably all for raising the age limit to 20.

My opinion is that the NBA should be able to set whatever age limit they want. All sorts of professions have admittance standards. An NBA age limit is perfectly fine. However, I think raising the age limit to 20 would be harmful to the NCAA. Why? Two words: Brandon Jennings.

Brandon Jennings' emergence as a potential star in the league should scare the shit out of the NCAA. The guy skipped out on the University of Arizona to go play in Rome for a year. He didn't have great numbers and he apparently struggled with culture shock initially, but the experience clearly turned out to be positive. He learned the game of basketball from veteran players who played a different style of ball. He probably learned humility- he wasn't BMOC in Rome. Perhaps most importantly, the guy made money. $1.2 million. Sure, the experience may have been tough, and not for everyone. But he got to travel Europe. American kids go to Europe for semesters or years during college all the time, and it's generally regarded as the times of their lives and a great learning experience. Why shouldn't ballers do the same? They certainly can't get that experience in college basketball.

I'm excited to see Jennings excel so early on in his career. But would he be this good if he went to college? Difficult to say. The Durantula/Oden/Rose - none of them made this kind of impact in his first year.

I think the age limit should be whatever the NBA chooses. But if I were the NCAA, I'd lobby hard against raising it to 20. Talented HS players can probably be persuaded to come to college for a year and forego a considerable salary. But two years? That's not a risk the NCAA should be willing to take.

ummm YESSS

Not sure if anyone has seen this yet. If this whole basketball thing doesn't work out they may all have a real shot in the music industry, especially Deng.

Whattcha know bout them Miami boys?

Apparently Ed Reed claims that the current make-up of Miami Hurricanes playing in the NFL could go to a Super Bowl if they played together on the same team. Pretty interesting stuff if you actually look at who currently plays. The obvious names come up such as Reed, Wayne, and Johnson. While the RB, WR, TE, LB, and DB categories are incredibly loaded, the O and D lines are very thin, not to mention the QB position. Here's what it might look like...

QB: Nobody currently playing in the NFL so I'll just put Ken Dorsey or Brock Berlin in that spot

(I still remember that 4th and Goal throw Ken)

RB: Frank Gore, Clinton Portis and Willis McGahee

(Would they have won the championship if his knee didn't get inverted?)

FB: Najeh Davenport

TE: Kellen Winslow, Jeremy Shockey and possibly Greg Olsen

(Welcome to Tool Academy)

WR: Reggie Wayne, Andre Johnson, Santana Moss and Devin Hester

(Slightly better than Austin Collie)

OL: I actually had to look this up to see if there were enough people...

--Bryant McKinnie, Vernon Carey and Rashad Butler are the only current O-Lineman playing so I'll add Eric Winston and Martin Bibla to fill in the gaps.

D-Line: Due to lack of current D-Lineman I'll assume they'll run a 3-4 scheme

--Calais Campbell, Baraka Atkins and Vince Wilfork

LB: Ray Lewis, Jon Beason, DJ Williams, Jonathan Vilma and Rocky McIntosh if needed

(Terrifying)

CB: hmm not too many to pick from (only P. Buchanon) so they'll just have a bunch of safeties...

S: [Sean Taylor] Ed Reed, Kenny Phillips, Antrel Rolle and Brandon Meriweather

I'll forgo the special teams and assume Hester would return punts and kicks. No doubt this team would be fun to watch. The glaring holes at QB and the O-Line would be tough to overcome and the lack of targets to K2 might disrupt the teams "chemistry," but Ken Dorsey is just the man to lead this team to the promised land... or a 7-9 record.

Oh God Oh Geeez!

Sadly it's time once again for the Bears to dust off their hideous orange uniforms.

(Forte with a touchdown celebration??? Not this year)

(Way to go Greg!!!!)

There are a few other teams who wear an alternate orange uniform including Miami, Denver and of course...the Libertyville Wildcats. All of these teams pull off the orange wayyyy better than the Bears. The Bears orange looks similar to the color of those people who have the fake bake tans (Argall's ex-GF on the left).

(Perfect 10s all around)

(You wish Kyle)

The Good, the Bad and the Fugly

(Luckily for Gaines Adams he won't have to wear these threads)

The November 8th contest between the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers will feature a certain throwback uniform that we all thought was gone forever. The pre-1996 Bucs uniforms will be on full display for everyone to see (depending on local blackouts). These uniforms remind many folks of terrible Buccaneer football over the years as well as what you would imagine regurgitated saltwater taffy probably looks like.

***************

ASO to Josh Cribbs for wearing the Browns team socks on his arms during their game against the Steelers this past sunday. I think it's a pretty "nifty" look. It must have paid off as well as he took a kickoff 98 yards to the house during the game. Next time the Broncos wear their throwbacks it would be interesting to see one of their players wearing those in a similar fashion to Cribbs.

***************

Probably aren't any better uniforms in the NFL than the Chargers throwbacks. The old school lighting bolts on the helmet coupeled with the numbers are simply classic. They should really consider wearing these as their standard home uniforms. On the other hand, they shouldn't.

I actually enjoy the throwback Denver uniforms, especially the socks. However... what is the deal with the yellow on the pants? If they would have just made the stripes white the uniform would be completely tied together from head to toe. Even so, these uniforms deserve to be dusted off at least a couple times a decade. It would be nice to see them resurrect the classic orange and blue as well but that's a topic for another day (not really).

(Nice socks gents!!!!!)

***************

I think I'm in the majority when I say that the Patriots current uniforms are nothing special. Why not go back the the classic look featuring Pat the Patriot. I think that's his name?

(So Patriotic. I wish I had a Patriot-Pop right now)

The Titans may have lost 59-0 but at least they looked sharp doing it. What a sweet helmet.

***************

AND FINALLY -- Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??? I understand the importance of breast cancer awareness but is it really necessary to wear pink shoes, armbands and gloves for an entire month? The answer is no, absolutely not.

(OchoPinko)

(Two in the pink, one in the stink)

POWER RANKINGS, Vol. 4

1. Delicious Corn on the Schaub (4-1, 3)
GizziBOOM handed it to me after I picked against him in the Jay Cutler is Always Upset Special of the Week, and that was without Brees and Colston. Finally healthy, Ronnie Brown (only 4 fewer points than AD) is proving those of us who thought he sucked wrong, and Mendenberries has been a complete monster for the Cuddle Factory, rolling up 47 points in his two weeks as a starter.

2. Hack Attack V2 Burleson (4-1, Last week: 4)
I was all set to lay into Ciske (don’t get any ideas Benny) for not picking up a QB or Defense last week, and even more so when he said he thought every player on his team was too valuable to drop (Cadillac! Burleson! Washington!). Still, he came out and embarrassed Tilt Jr. en route to a 68-61 garbage victory.

3. The Order of Fuckin' Donuts (3-2, 1)
Absorbed the unheard-of #10 over #1 upset last week, despite scoring another 83. Still holds a narrow edge in overall points on the season. Good test of alleged depth I’ve been preaching, with Pey Pey, Addai, and Woy Rilliams on bye, plus MegaTron doubtful. This week’s Quote of the Week comes courtesy of GChat -
“Ryan: we should invent a folkrod board game
Folkrodial Pursuit
Where all the answers are folkfacts”

4. Brady's Bunch (4-1, 2)
…and the other shoe drops, as the fantasy gods get sweet justice by administering a 96 point loss on Goob City. Benz going for over 100 yards against the Ravens was about as likely as Garrett tipping Marvin the cab driver over $2.

5. Teddy's Bears (3-2, 6)
My first memory of Nate is of him jumping over various fences after he and high school friend/notorious dudebro Barrett Hinrichs thought the party we were at was going to be busted by cops in the fall of 2004. I bring this to you because his team is too boring to talk about. Did you know Kevin Smith is averaging 12 poi…Zzzzzzz.

6. Last Jackson Hero (2-3, 8)
After a horrendous 0-2 start, no one has put up more points than IV. This week’s Tweet of the Week also belongs to Mr. Luebtube- “I had a dream last night where I flew a small helicopter over Soldier Field and Lake Michigan became a tropical paradise-Just like real life”

7. A Cut Above (2-3, 5)
Cutler and Murnane vs. Rodgers and CorCor in a 2 on 2 football game- who ya got? I’m saying MurnCut gets out to the early lead on the strength of Murnane being way bigger than Corey, but then one errant Cutty fireball glances off Murnane’s buffalo sauce-covered fingers before being lodged into Gay-Rod’s fannie pack, at which time Ginger Rage takes over, with Corey literally piggybacking Rodgers into the endzone- much to Aaron’s delight. This results resulting in a big gay TD dance and one of Cutler’s chins exploding off his face as he yells at Murnane for missing the pass. I type out this scenario so as not to make too much fun of the fact Murn lost to a Ciske team with no QB or DEF last week.

8. Welk 'n Coffee! Welk 'n Coffee! (1-4, 7)
Another year, another stunning disappointment for Pagel; fourth in points, tied for last in record. Where have we seen this before? Oh, yeah…


9. Sucking on saggy tits (1-4, 10)
Major upset on Argall; can he follow up with another against archrival Gallert? I’d say yes, but any team starting Larry Johnson can’t have much of a shot. Who do you like in a fistfight though? I’m going Nate; Lawny is too much of a lover. Also, can’t diminish the awkwardness of having the fantasy football site minimized when a coworker walks over to check on my work and “sucking on saggy tits …” is the window header. FML.

10. Romo and Cooley-et (1-4, 9)
Finally get all my guys back; too bad I’m 1-4. Fuck.

JAY CUTLER IS ALWAYS UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK (2-1): #9 sucking on saggy tits over #5 Teddy’s Bears

MaTcHuP mAdNeSs UuUuHhHhHhHhHh!!!!

This weeks MaTcHuP mAdNeSs features...

StarFucks

vs.

Fuckin' Donuts

StarFucks

Pros

StarFucks is a one-stop-shop for a wide variety of relatively gay drinks that have, at least, a loose affiliation with the coffee bean. StarFucks also features a tasty variety of coffee cakes, muffins, danish, bagels, and scones (a Larry Luebbers favorite). From my own experience, StarFucks seems to have fairly good customer service, and I do know that if they fuck your order up that they will have a non-novi remake it for you.

Cons

Typical StarFucks employee...

The worst thing about StarFucks is the clientele, which is basically a melting-pot of all the different types of people I hate. Due to time constraints I won't go into detail, but you all know exactly what I'm talking about.

"Later Brosef, I'm gonna go get my scone on at StarFucks"

StarFucks also tends to be slow as BALLS. When I wants my coffee, I wants it NOW, not 20 minutes after I come in. One of the funnier moments of my life was when I was driving to Madison with one William Joseph Argall. We stopped at a StarFucks drive-thru in Janesville to get 2 black coffees before we got back on the highway. This process should take about 3 minutes at the most. When we ordered, there was ONE minivan in front of us, and we literally sat behind these fuckers at the window for 7-10 minutes after ordering. Finally, StarFucks brings these assholes out their Cafe Lattes or whatever they were ordering, but they were still sitting at the window about a minute later. At this point Bill is honking the horn and yelling "COME ON!!!" out the window at these people when the StarFucks employee comes back with about 200 napkins for Team Minivan. Bill proceeded to burn out of the parking lot, nearly hitting the minivan in the process, while I did everything in my power to hold back tears because I was laughing so hard.

Last but not least, StarFucks has made the mistake of being a place that does a bunch of thing OK instead being a place that does one or two things really well. THEIR COFFEE ISN'T THAT GOOD!!!


Motha Fuckin' Donuts

Pros

The coffee is danktronic, the breakfest sandwiches are danktronic, the hash-browns are danktronic, the donuts are...DANKTRONIC. Fuckin' Donuts is also open 24 hours at some locations, featuring drunk black people who for some reason are huge Matt Hasselbeck fans.

"NOW WERE BALD"

CONS

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.

HOT TUB

Fuckin' Donuts

Really a no-brainer. Everything about Fuckin Donuts is better than StarFucks, especially lack of emo kids.

Sunday Chronicles

I’m back y’all, I’m blackity black and I’m back y’all

Kudos to Paul Pagel for finishing the Bank of America Chicago Marathon earlier today. As you all know, I’m a pretty big runner/work-out warrior so I know just how tough it is to endure that type of strain. Couldn’t believe the number of white people in the race – Stuff White People Like captured this phenomenon perfectly.

Really Derrick Mason? Zero fantasy points. Fuck you.

Thumbs up to you top-shelfing my fantasy hopes this week!

You Should Be Reading:

The Animal Review Blog. It is a very simple concept that yields incredible amounts of humor. The writers pick an animal and review as if they were reviewing a movie, or a fancy restaurant that Murnane dines at to impress 15 year old girls. Read this article about the porcupine, it tickles my funny boner.

You Should Be Watching:

Curb Your Enthusiasm. Not to beat a dead Murnane’s dog, but LD and the gang are not only delivering the funny, but they are keeping us hanging on their story arc. I know @argtopia will get totally cheesed off if I give too much plot away, but suffice it to say that if they keep this level up to finish the series, combined with their past work, CYE will take it’s place at or near the top of the best sitcoms to date.

Pains me to say it, but K. Orton looked mighty sharp against the Pats today. I shouldn’t be surprised that he would play better behind that o-line and with those weapons, but it’s still weird to see Orton play at a borderline elite level. Maybe one day soon it won’t be so weird?

The Broncos throwbacks were simultaneously terrible and amazing today. Wasn’t feeling the Carmel feces brown and urine yellow colors, but I’m a huge fan of the Alabama numbers on the helmet look. And those vertical-striped socks…love it! Safe to say they’re TAILGATE TESTED – TAILGATE APPROVED! I am anxious to hear what the uniform guru, AMLIV, thinks of those duds.

Best Work Conversation of the Week:

Lab Manager: So, you heard about NASA intentionally crashing a rocket into the moon today?

Me: Yea, I like their style.

Old Crazy Guy: I don’t like that idea, they’re gonna start a war

Me: With who?

Old Crazy Guy: The aliens that live on the moon!

Power Rankings, Vol. 3

Numbers 9 and 10 in my preseason ranking crack the top 3, once again proving I have no idea what’s going on.

1. The Order of Fuckin' Donuts (3-1, 3)
In the three weeks following a Week 1 loss to Garrett, the Sour Patch Kids have put up a very sweet 355 points, including a narrow escape thanks to the Vikings Defense/Daryn Colledge last week. Led by the highest overall (Peyton) and non-QB (Chris Johnson) point-scorers, unexpected strength at the top, not the depth I splooged about in past weeks, is the strength of this squad. If that isn’t enough, RWA comes through with my Twitter Quote/CorCor insult of the Week: “@cjsheahan12 this twittering is completely off the chains”.

2. Brady's Bunch (4-0, 5)
MJD, Benz, and Pierre (HO HO!) all average double digits for Garreeeeeeee, overcoming draft day busts McFadden, AGonz, and Chambers. With Brady slowly rounding into form, and Wayne’s general consistency, I had this team all wrong. Jerome Harrison may be a great pickup going forward, especially for bye weeks.

3. Delicious Corn on the Schaub (3-1, 2)
I’d feel a lot better playing Gizzi this week with Brees on bye if he didn’t get to start Schaub and his 8 TDs in the past 3 games as a “fill-in” (34 more points than Brees in that time). 3-point loss to Lueb in Week 3 all that stands between Cuddle Factory and a perfect start through 4 games.

4. Hack Attack V2 Burleson (3-1, Last week: 1)
Soria Bout the Drop, but 68.5 points last week will cost ya. With TO looking positively awful thus far, Ciske’s WR corps are wearing thin. AD gets the Rams for a gigantic ‘F U’ performance this weekend before some tough matchups- BAL, @PIT, @GB- leading into a late Vikings bye week.

5. A Cut Above (2-2, 9)
When we last left Typical Murnane, he was a floundering 0-2 and looking at a tough matchup with dangerous Lawny, who was coming off a 116 point performance. Since then, Brandon Marshall has looked like the playmaker of a year ago and K-Shon will get most of the touches with Buckhalter on ice for the team with the NFL’s best record (!!), while JC6 has put up solid fantasy numbers since his pickfest at Green Bay on opening weekend. Leading the league in targets and receptions, not to mention fantasy points, USC alum Steve Smith looks like the steal of the draft.

6. Teddy's Bears (2-2, 8)
Another chance for Favre to break Pagel’s heart in the rivalry game of the week, as Brett and his 9 TDs, 1 INT, and 0 fumbles draw the start with Michael Murnane’s arm cannon on bye. Kudos on completely sticking it to me for my disparaging comments about your sub-40 point performance a few weeks ago.

7. Welk 'n Coffee! Welk 'n Coffee! (1-3, 4)
I spoke too soon on the surprising early-season victory, as Pagel plows through another injury-ravaged first month at 1-3. Hope reigns in Wicker Park, though, as the gang gets back together this week, with McNabb, Barber, DAW, and Welker all expected to play, and Coffee drawing another start against a weak Falcons rush D to date- expect a big week.

8. Last Jackson Hero (1-3, 10)
Tough near-upset on Argall last week, but Lueb has turned the ship around somewhat, thanks in no small part to the shockingly awesome Willis McGahee. Despite being 1 carry off the league’s lead for rushing attempts, S-Jax still has no TDs and just 11 points per game for Kos’ pathetic Rams, and faces the Williams Wall this week. FACTOR BACK Westbreezy expected to return just in time for a showdown with undefeated Brady’s Bunch.

9. Romo and Cooley-et (1-3, 6)
“I'm quickly getting the unfortunate feeling that my team is going whichever way Tony Romo's erratic arm/brain takes me.” I wish I wasn’t right on this one; Yours Truly has lost 3 straight games in which Romo has, for lack of a better phrase, sucked ass. Heading back to the drawing board with pickups Massaquoi and SIMS-WALKER. I don’t like my chances this week with Gizzi Boom’s dominant squad, and the fact that I have 5 opening day starters on the bench. Hoping F-Jax or Marshawn emerges fast from Tricky Dick’s timeshare (tell me that doesn’t sound like a porno).

10. tag teaming with murnane (0-4, 7)
Speaking of pornos, Mr. Queekfest himself has been a huge disappointment this far, culminating in an embarrassing 39.7 points to Murnane, then inexplicably starting limp-armed Jason Campbell last week. Frank Gore’s injury clearly hurts badly. Potential major rout at the hands of Argall this week.

JAY CUTLER IS ALWAYS UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK (2-0): #9 Romo and Cooley-et over #3 Delicious Corn on the Schaub

Playoff Predictions

Not gonna justify this, just wanna open up the forum Comments style.

AL Wildcard

Yankees over Twins in 3
Angels over Red Sox in 5

NL Wildcard
Rockies over Phillies in 4
Cards over Dodgers in 5

ALCS
Yanks over Angels in 6

NLCS
Cards over Rockies in 5

World Series

Yanks over Cards in 7

Amusing Similarities

The similarity between these two pictures was pointed out in the Chicago Tribune today, I think it's pretty funny.

Let There Be Light

In a surprise move that has shocked the National Basketball Association and the Holy Christian Church, the Chicago Bulls have pulled off a true miracle. This ain't your typical water into wine we're talking about. It seems that the Bulls front office has lured versatile free agent forward Jesus Christ to the windy city. Terms of the contract were not disclosed but inside sources have spread word that it is back-heavy to insure that Judgement day will have to wait at least 5-6 more years.

Tyrus Thomas was quoted as saying, "shit man I've seen this honkey's mix tape on the Youtube and this cat can flat out ball. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to bump and grind with him in practice and hopefully we can make each other better. I gave him a shout as soon as I found out he signed with us and told him to join us all for dinner downtown. He kinda acted all weird and was spouting off about how one of us was going to betray him. This was after 8-10 grails of Pinot Grigio so we didn't think anything of it."

Kirk Hinrich was also asked about his new teammate... "Yeah I mean he seems like an ok guy but I'm a little worried about his shot selection and athleticism. I guess I'm just worried that if he gets off to a rough start the crowd might crucify him."

It's Not Easy (on the eyes) Being Green

(ECTO COOLER Juice boxes anyone?)

I hope that I am not alone in my hatred for the uniforms that the SeaBags wore on Sunday against the Bears. Their neon-lime threads were so bright on the Fox HD channel that I had to remain in a constant state of squinting throughout the game.

(Green-Man is apparently a Dem)

I'm not anti-green in any way and usually the flaunting of the color is somewhat tasteful. It was downright distracting in this case. I was always a fan of the neon green gloves their receivers wear and hopefully after this debacle they can all collectively realize that their complimentary color should remain in that role. In closing: FUCK--HUE Seattle.

(Old woman displaying her displeased "O" face at Sunday's game)

POWER RANKINGS (Week 2)

1. Team ciske (2-0, Last week: 1)
Though rumor has it that he prefers the receiving end, Ciske might need to get comfortable with being on top. Team Fierce has weathered subpar performances from Fat Jacobs and Gay-Rod in riding a divine showing from Purple Jesus to easy victories over previously-#4 Lawny and #7 Luebbers. Driver and Caddy may be the nice surprises that typical Ciske teams are made of. Also, if you don't change your team name, expect a one-spot penalty next week.

2. Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe (2-0, 9)
As Brady-esque as Drew Brees has been, he doesn't even have the most points on this Cuddle Monster's squad. The much-ridiculed and overlooked Wildcat engineer, Ronnie Brown, has hung an average of 26.6, followed by Brees' 26.3, and Gizzi clone Dallas Clark's 25.3. Mr. Goatee's gamble to pick up the Brees-to-Colston connection has resulted in a mere 100 points through two weeks. Draws a former roommate battle against IV this week.

3. The Order of Fuckin' Donuts (1-1, 3)
After absolutely annihilating me last week to the tune of 65 points, I'm gonna go ahead and give Argall the nod at #3, despite a disappointing Week 1. The Sour Patch Kids look deep and formidable, assuming DeSean Jackson is healthy and Ray Rice starts getting some goal line looks. Just a matter of time until RWA makes the smart decision and puts huge bust Joe Addai on ice in favor of "Woy Rilliams" (his words).

4. Welk 'n Coffee! Welk 'n Coffee! (1-1, 2)
Lo! An early season victory! Ran roughshod on Murnane, despite no Welker or McNabb. I was all ready with a variety of Matt Ryan zingers, but unfortunately he's actually been really good so far. Injuries continue to ravage this squad this week, as Page1 is forced to start Ahmad Bradshaw with MB3 and his 23 points per game likely on ice for the 'Boys. (Get used to that, by the way.)

5. Brady's Bunch (2-0, 10)
Forgive me. I know you're 2-0, but I can't bring myself to rate this team higher than this. Drew a hilarious matchup with GAL! last week en route to an 84-48 victory, and now has the sixth-most points in the league, despite an undefeated start. If this was a real team, I'd talk about G's "championship experience!", "overall grit!", and "ability to get the job done!" Instead, I will choose to talk about how much I fall asleep when I look at your roster. No offense. Brady? Zzzzzz. Jones-Drew? Zzzzzzz. Devery Henderson? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. When your top scorer is Broncos Defense (as it was in Week 2), I wouldn't expect tons of W's. I will give you credit and award you my Twitter Quote of the Week: "4 picks? my weiner coulda done that" (in response to Jay Cutler's GB performance).

6. Romo and Cooley-et (1-1, 8)
I'm quickly getting the unfortunate feeling that my team is going whichever way Tony Romo's erratic arm/brain takes me. V-Jax looks like he's going to break out in a big way, but top two two picks LT and Jennings better figure things out. Tough to enjoy Fred Jackson festiness- with real life Caveman Marshawn Lynch coming back next week, there's plenty of reason to be nervous about a timeshare emerging in Buffalo. LET ME BE MYSELF.


7. tag teaming with murnane (0-2, 4)
117 points and a loss is about as tough to swallow as a Lawny-procured bottle of dip spit. I still like this bunch, especially after Warner's encouraging Week 2, although 28 total points for receivers is not going to cut it. Amazingly, Frank Gore leads all players in points thus far; Brian should be bracing for a severe drop off against the Williams Wall this week. Obviously allowing a bonus spot or 2 for one of the funniest (albeit temporary) names in the history of fantasy sports.


8. Teddy's Bears (1-1, 6)
Wow. 48? Really? Here's the line on one of the worst fantasy days ever- six position players (K. Smith, J. Lewis, T. Jones, Fitz, Berrian, Carlson). 175 rushing yards. 143 receiving yards. 1 fumble. 1 touchdown. TOTAL. Combine that with Tennessee's negative-4 points, and the Packers embarrassing loss to Cinci, and you've got a Sunday for the ages.

9. A Cut Above (0-2, 5)
Depending on LT's health, the Sproles steal could be huge going forward. Boldin looked better in Week 2 recovering from his bum hammy, but the Cutler and Marshall duo that so dominated a year ago looks like a severe downgrade in 2009. Forte has fewer points in 2 games combined than Chris Johnson had on three separate touches last week. Still potential for a big midseason push here with Yes-shon, Harvin, Wells, and Knox on the pine.

7. Last Jackson Hero (0-2, 7)
So...yikes. Just 124 points in the first two weeks for AML IV, as injuries have taken their toll on Westbreezy (again). If/when Barber's nicks finally catch up to him and knock him out a few games, Felix has top-3 RB written all over him. QB situation needs to figure itself out, STAT, because Trent Edwards is awful.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK (1-0): #10 Last Jackson Hero over #2 Somewhere over Dwayne Bowe

Upon Further Review

-Forcing the Issue-

Jay Cutler may have learned a valuable lesson in the past two weeks. After throwing a career high four interceptions in his first game, he was able to remain cool, calm, and collected against the vaunted Steelers defense (w/o Polamalu). I can only recall one passing attempt where he tried to make something happen when it clearly wasn’t there. Without any ground game to speak of and the constant pass rush of Harrison and Woodley he was able to complete at least two passes to seven different receivers throughout the game. Contrary to his first game, he didn’t force the ball downfield to receivers who were well covered. He checked it down or found an underneath target when necessary and kept his offense out of third and long situations. That’s enough Bears speak for one day.

-The Vikings–

Fuck. They’re pretty good. Even though the Lions were able to get the best of them early on it was pretty clear that they were going to pull away at some point. Obviously the Lions and Browns are going to be looking forward to next year’s draft in a week or two but it’s pretty clear that this squad has more than enough talent to go all the way. They may have looked sloppy at times but their first two games have been on the road. Their home field advantage is among the league’s best and it’s not a good sign for the rest of the division that they are already 2 for 2 in road games. Their first actual test will be the 2-0 49ers coming up in their Hump-Dome opener.

(Yep, he's wearing ZUBAZ too)

-Ray Lewis is still deserving of his nickname “Big Play Ray”
-My favorite nickname of his though has to be “Big Slay Ray” (get it?)

-If Antwan Odom only played in the Green Bay game this season it would have been his second most productive sack season in his career

-Kurt Warner apparently set a single-game record for completion percentage with 92.3%
-24/26 is very impressive but for that living statue not to get sacked or pressured is almost more embarrassing for the Jaguars than it is impressive for the Cardinals O-Line

-St. Louis 7 – Washington 9 (No Comment)

(4 out of 5 fans during halftime)

-The two teams who played in the NFL Thursday Night Kickofff extravaganza (Titans and Steelers) didn’t seem to benefit from the extra time off in between games

-Frank Gore should not be able to run freely for more than 20-25 yards

-The Jets made the connection of Tom Brady to Randy Moss seem more like the connection of Spergon Wynn to Byron Chamberlain

Who else could have called this play?

I'm not sure if anyone got to actually hear this. I know I wasn't able to.

Week 1 MaTcH uP mAdNeSs UuUuHhHhHhHhHh!!!!

Welcome to MaTcHuP mAdNeSs UuUuHhHhHhHhHh!!!!

This is going to be a weekly (hopefully) column where I throw two foes of my choosing into the Octagon and determine which one will have the distinct honor of joining me in my hot tub. I'll try to be as unbiased as I can, but since I'm playing judge, jury, and executioner (Comments Welcome YaY!!!), who knows. So let's get going because I was too drunk to work on this yesterday and the games have already started.


Week 1.........

vs.

Aaron Rodgers

Jay Cutler: Pros

Cutler has, without question, the strongest arm in the NFL. He's shown that he's capable of throwing for 4500+ yards and 25 td's in a season. Reminds me more of Favre than any player currently in the league. Has an air of cockiness about him that he backs up with his play on the field. He hits the sauce like a young Brian Lawniczak, gets more titties than Regnery in his prime, and is the King of Chicago.

Jay Cuntler: Cons

Reminds me more of Favre than any player currently in the league. With all the ability comes recklessness that will cost his team games every season. Although he is the King of Chicago, and can pretty much have his pick of the litter on any given night, it's all-for-not if he forgets his medic-alert bracelet and/or Glucose Tablets. His cocky attitude, reckless play, and general douchiness irritate some of his teammates and management. Has a butt-chin.

Aaron Rodgers: Pros

Aaron Rodgers is one of the best system quarterbacks in the NFL. He's an extremely good decision maker, has above average arm strength and mobility, and will very rarely put his team in a position where they have no chance of winning. Has shown that he can put up numbers competitive with any other QB in the league. His professionalsim during Favre-gate showed a high level of maturity and exceptional facial hair.

Aaron Rodgers: Cons

Super gay. Nobody cares if you're gay as long as you don't suck it up at QB; quit living a lie, come out of the closet, and dance your silly buns off at the next Madonna concert. Has yet to show he has the ability to close games, and he seems to play his best when the pressure level is at a minimum.

"I just had my clit pierced"
"Neato! Hey, where did you get those leather boots?"


Hot tub:

Aaron Rodgers

Cutler's recklessness and diabetes leave him on the outside looking in of my now incredibly gay hot tub. I think Cutler has more overall ability, but I'll take Rodgers' high level of consistency and maturity over a poor man's Favre any day of the week.

POWER RANKINGS (Preseason Edition)

Without further ado...

OVERALL: [QB (1-3), RB (1-5), WR (1-3), TE (1-3) by tier]
(Khanna: Odds, Luebbers: Evens)

1. Ciske (1, 1, 3, 1)- Over the years, Ciske’s caught plenty of flak in these rankings for a multitude of poor roster decisions and his questionable heterosexuality, but I can’t help but give him credit here. His WRs are one of the worst groups in the league, but with Owens, Driver, Bryant, Coles, and typical-Ciske picks Burleson and Washington, you just get the feeling he’ll find two each week to get the job done. In a season full of question marks, AD, Jacobs, and Gay-Rod form the scoring trio with the fewest concerns. Add that Gonzo scores like a WR, and you’ve got some potential for FIREWORKS! (Ciske voice)


2. Pagel (2, 2, 1, 1)- The big question for team Pagel always seems to be the same. Which draft pick will suffer a season ending injury? Will it be McNabb, Andre3000, or DeAngelo? I say the past is the past and this is the year he’ll finally break free of his Billy Goat-esque curse. There is no questioning this roster, especially if Welker can find the end zone like he did in 2007. McNabb is poised for a touchdown throwing festival and Andre Johnson is as solid as a sweatpants wearing Murnane in a strip club. MBarbsIII may enter into more of a timeshare than you care for, but he should still produce like he has in the past so long as he lays off the breast milk.

3. Argall (1, 3, 1, 2)- Argall might well have been a Wisconsin running back, given how many steals he had in this draft. (HEY-O) I really like the combination of proven talent and upside that occupies the Sour Patch this year. I’ve already been outspoken in my opinion that the Laser, Rocket Arm of Peyton Manning was the steal of the draft at the tail end of the 3rd round, but nabbing Ray Rice in the 11th might prove to be even better. DeSean Jackson is poised to bust out in a big way, and Derrick Ward and Roy Williams are highly-underrated guys at different positions that will get the ball a ton, especially in the red zone. If not for the complete blunder that was taking Addai in Round 4, Argtopia might very well have touched the tip.

4. Lawny (2, 1, 2, 1)- Mr. Masturbation is holding a “tight grip” inside the top 5 of this pre-season power ranking extravaganza. His team may experience some perpetual “ups and downs” until the “culmination” of the season. Turner, Gore, Warner, and Smith all have massive TD potential which should allow your squad to potentially coast into the playoffs. Housh-money has some potential too so long as Hasselbeck can stay on the field and away from EAS commercials. NOW I’m DONE.

5. Murnane (3, 2, 2, 3)- Uncertainty abounds for a team loaded with all of Murnane’s faves this side of buffalo sauce, black women, and R. Jay Soward. Although our rankings by position placed him in the bottom tier, it’s tough to imagine all the bubbles bursting and the defending champion falling flat. But pick a starter, any starter, after Forte, and the concerns are obvious. (Boldin-injury/whininess , Portis- age, Marshall- general douchebaggery, Moreno + Wells- inexperience, Cutler- surroundings) Given the presence of so many proven QBs, Cutty will be the difference.

6. Gallert (2, 3, 2, 3)- Team Gallert clearly drafted straight from an ESPN projections cheat-sheet. Rivers and Fitzgerald should have monster years again and Slaton was certainly deserving of your selection in round 2. I’m of the opinion that Berrian will be able to post some steady numbers now that the Vikings have a quarterback to make teams pay for cheating up during a play fake. On a side note: I’m kind of surprised that you didn’t draft a single Packer. Also, apparently Le’Ron McClain will not be serving as anyone’s sleeper this season as he has moved to full-time full-back with the departure of Lorenzo Neal. I know I know, I’m sad too.

7. Luebbers (3, 4, 2, 2)- I actually think we docked you a little too much in our positional rankings for the aging backfield (S-Jax and Westbrook), but then I realized not enough was said for your taking LenWhale in the 5th round. I really like Felix’s potential given MB3’s propensity to break down, but remain unsure about your dependence on Hard Knocks for this year’s fantasy success. Finally healthy and reunited, your season rests on the dynamic potential of Palmer and Ochocinco rekindling their magic of 2005-06… which fittingly describes much of your team.

8. Khanna (2, 2, 2, 2)- **Craig’s List ad: Seeking fellow man with foot fetish (NO ROMO)**
I like the selection of Lynch because he will leave team Khan-Air Max 95 with a good problem to have when it comes week 4. There will be a need to figure out whom to start in your flex spot and a team could do a lot worse than either Lynch or V-Jax. Edwards is a question mark, but even if he does struggle again my boy VINNY JACKSON will step up to the plate and deliver. The only negative I can see is the potential lack of touchdowns for this squad. Tomlinson, Jennings, and Romo should have solid TD numbers, but after that this team needs somebody to step up their shit and find pay-dirt.

9. Gizzi (1, 5, 1, 1)- Solid all-around (just like in life), I love Gizzi’s squad…outside of his running backs. The Cuddly One waited until the 3rd, 5th, and 7th rounds to take RBs, and it shows with Ronnie Brown, Willie Parker, and the injured Daily Show as a backup. Still, this is a team that will get its fair share of points every week from the lethal Brees/Moss/Colston trio (barring injury), and Bowe and those rushers do have some upside.

10. Anderson (1, 4, 3, 2)- I am excited about your team just about as much as I would be excited to dissect my own penis. Brady is obviously a great fantasy player. MJD and Reggie Wayne are way up there too, but there is a real lack of depth on your team. I’m not saying you don’t have a chance to win or anything like that. Those three players will put up a ton of numbers. If McFadden and or A. Gonzalez can break out this season then you do have a shot at fantasy glory, but that is a lot to count on.

UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK: #9. Gizzi over #2. Pagel

Pre-Season Power Rankings- Positions (WR, TE)

Trying to figure out the Power Rankings before this season left me completely baffled; almost as mind-numbing a decision as trying to figure out which Pagel fantasy draft bust I should use as a punch line each season (for the answer, read on!). And so, due to my indecisiveness, I thought we'd mix it up this year and have a special guest collaborator helping me with the rankings for at least this version of the rankings. Read what you want...we realize how long it is.

Wide Receivers


AK: This was by far the toughest position to rank, with such balance and a variety of opinions. Wayne or Jennings? Boldin or S. Smith? MegaTron, Fitz, or Moss? What about Roddy? Ask 10 people and you’ll probably get 10 different rankings. Since no one took WRs with their first two picks, it was even more of a crapshoot. My top tier includes 3 groups- GizziBOOM (Moss/Colston/Bowe), Argall (Calvin/D-Jax/Roy Williams), and Pagel (Dre/Welker/Hester).

The rest of the teams seemed pretty on par with one another, except Garrett/Goob, whom I levied the only “3” on for their inexplicable selection of Muhsin Muhammad. Fittingly, Team Sour took the two biggest whinefests (Boldin and Marshall) in the NFL, though the sky is the limit for both. The unquestioned X-Factor at WR in ’09 is Crabbypants Marshall; if he puts up anywhere near the production of a year ago, Murndawg likely has drafted the league’s best 1-2 punch at WR. (Fact: Despite the ever-stiff media erection for him, Fitz scored fewer TDs in ‘08 than Boldin in games when both played) Other thoughts- Love Ochocinco, but with Lav and Henry coming on, I’m not sure how many looks he’s going to get… Housh was a steal, but I don’t like Smith this year for Lawny… Typical Ciske, taking 4 mediocre WRs to shuffle in and out based on matchups (not saying it doesn’t work)… D-Jax is poised for a Sardis-like breakout… I never know what to think of Colston
---
IV: To answer your questions…Jennings, Smith, Fitz, and possibly Roddy (but don’t quote me on that). I do agree with your praise for Gizzi’s and Argall’s teams, but I don’t know if Pagel’s receivers belong in that group. His top 2 would be great if Welker had another season like 2007, but it might be tough to repeat that success. I don’t need to bring up all the negatives about Hester either, but I guess I will. He still doesn’t know what’s going on half the time and tends to run in the opposite direction that he should be. I don’t believe that he is their number 1 receiver either because I can envision Greg Olsen, Earl Bennett, Matt Forte, and even Dez Clark getting more looks. With all that said, I hope he has an incredible season and proves me completely wrong.

Random thoughts- Ciske clearly picked up most of his receivers in one of the 4 for $5 bins at Wal-Mart; You (Khanna) have a massive gamble in your group—Braylon Edwards. If last season was any indication…If he was the Hudson River he wouldn’t have been able to catch either falling aircraft. If he was Chris Hansen of Dateline NBC he wouldn’t be able to catch a predator. If he was playing eeny, meeny, miny, moe he wouldn’t be able to catch that tiger by the toe. I’ll stop. V-Jax is a nice player to have, so you’re set; Roy Williams should be an interesting player to watch this season. He is a huge target and deserves a look in the red-zone every time. Hopefully he’ll feel the need to prove himself this season and not fade into Bolivia; 3 others to keep an eye on include Berrian, Ochocinco, and Houshamazooli;
Berrian is a deep threat. Favre likes to throw the ball. Match made in heaven…maybe; Ochocinco will benefit greatly by playing (what had better be) a full season with Carson Palmer. After all, he can’t do any worse than last season right? --Child Please--; I kind of want the Bears to sign Matt Jones; Gizzi, you probably didn’t need to draft Crabtree

Tight Ends


IV: Since nobody really cares about Tight Ends I’ll try and make this short and semi-sweet.
Gonzalez, Witten, Gates, Daniels, Clark, Olsen – Good
Cooley – Should be good
Carlson, Keller – Ok
---
AK: I happen to believe tight end is going to play a huge role this year. I agree for the most part with your assessment, but not necessarily in that order (not sure if that was your intention). I love Witten, Gonzalez, Clark, Olsen, and Cooley this year, in that order; I actually think they’ve all got a very good chance to lead their respective teams in receptions. I don’t necessarily see any weak links in the league, I’m sure it’ll end up being a crapshoot as always.

Pre-Season Power Rankings- Positions (QB, RB)

Trying to figure out the Power Rankings before this season left me completely baffled; almost as mind-numbing a decision as trying to figure out which Pagel fantasy draft bust I should use as a punch line each season (for the answer, read on!). And so, due to my indecisiveness, I thought we'd mix it up this year and have a special guest collaborator helping me with the rankings for at least this version of the rankings. (Mine are italicized, Luebbers' are in regular font.)

We started with ranking by position, where we have 3 tiers for QBs, 5 for RBs, 3 for WRs, and 3 for TEs.

Quarterbacks


AK: I’ve got Brady, Manning, Brees, and Rodgers as the top tier of QBs; Warner, Romo, Rivers, and McNabb as the second; and Cutler and Palmer as the third. Your boy Carson is the wild card to me, maybe of the entire season- from 2005-06, he threw 60 TDs to 25 picks. In 2007, he threw 26 to 20. What can we expect out of him? If he plays 16, I’m guessing he’ll fall right around the 5-7 range amongst QBs, with top-3 upside. Purely out of injury concerns, for now, I’m putting him in the class below.

Other thoughts- Argall completely stole the reigning MVP in the bottom of Round 3… Brees should be the top overall point scorer, and went accordingly in Round 1 to the cuddly confines of Gizzitown… Gay-Rod to Ciske. Of course... I'm interested in what you have to say about Cutler this year. Accounting for the obvious drop in yards, and probably TDs, do you assume his picks will go down as well? By how much? Says here he'll be a borderline starter (he got picked by Murn 2 slots after Warner, and a full 4 rounds before you nabbed Palmer).
---
IV: I would put Brady, Brees, Manning, Rivers, and Rodgers in the top tier. Then put McNabb just outside leading the 2nd tier alongside Warner followed by Cutler, Palmer, and Romo in the bottom rung. Not sure if Roy Williams is going to find the end zone as much as TO did for Romo so his numbers might slide a bit—plus—I hate Romo. Manning at the very end of the 3rd round is quite the bargain.

If I was to compare the starters in this league to Hamburgers here’s how it may look:

Brees = A burger made entirely of Kobe beef…Brady = A prime burger from a prestigious steakhouse…Manning = A burger from 5 guys or Kopps…Rodgers = A “California Cheeseburger” (only 1 of you may understand this)…Rivers = An Angry Whopper from BK…Warner = A veggie burger…McNabb = A burnt burger made on a George Foreman…Cutler = A DQ Flamethrower burger…Palmer = A poorly constructed McDouble missing half the bottom patty…Romo = A burger that would lose in the first round in the taste tests every season

Palmer is a huge risk but it’s been proven that 60% of high risks in fantasy sports end in championships 90% of the time. So I got that goin for me. Brady is poised for a big season, Rivers should be solid/douchey as usual, Warner has a decent receiver or two, Rodgers future is so bright that he needed those flaming white sunglasses to protect his eyes, and McNabb has some actual talent around him now which tends to help. That leaves Cutler. Without Brandon Marshall he doesn’t have Brandon Marshall, that’s it. He has what should be an above average O-line, a dependable running game, and possibly the best group of TEs in the NFL. I honestly believe that Bennett has a chance to be decent, and Hester is a complete crapshoot. If Cutler can find Olsen and Clark over the middle coupled with a well run screen pass here and there he should be able catch defenses napping and hit Hester for a bomb or two this season. I’m hoping that he will realize he doesn’t have any “go get’em” receivers and won’t try and force as many as he did in Denver. That is obviously wishful thinking and he loves to chuck it everywhere so interceptions will be plentiful. Somehow, someway, Orton managed to throw for 18 TDs last season and ran for 3 more while “managing” the team. If the gloves are off for Cutler, he should be able to do some damage.


Running Backs


IV: When it comes to running backs it seems pretty clear that Ciske has the top 1-2 punch with AP and Brandon Jacobs, but to say that he lacks depth after those two would be an understatement. You ranked Lawny’s backs right after Ciske’s, presumably due to the presence of the Burner. Time for an unnecessary plug for the Bears D—they held Turner to 25 carries for 54 yards last season. With Gore, LJ, Leon Washington, and James Davis I would only call that a “solid” group with James Davis being the wildcard. He has looked pretty quick in the preseason but who knows how many carries he’ll have.

Teams I have ranked ahead of Lawny’s group include Anshu’s, Gallert’s, and Pagel’s. You gotz LT, Ryan “please” Grant me 2 yards a carry, and Marshawn “please don’t put me up in that tree” Lynch. Once Lynch comes back from his 3 week Geico caveman commercial shoot you should have a powerful 3 headed monster for your 2 starting RB slots and your flex. As far as Gallert’s backs are considered, Slaton, Kevin Smith, and Thomas Jones are all deserving of… nope. I can’t do it; I don’t like his running backs. I was just trying to be nice. Though I actually do like Pagel’s group due to Williams and Barber both getting a ton chances to score early and often. McCoy and Coffee were nice additions as well. So who is left? Murnane, Garrett, Gizzi, Argall, and myself. Murnane and I have a couple backs who were drafted for their potential including (for Murnane) Moreno, Wells, and Sproles—and for me—Felix Jones and Chester Taylor. There is no question that I have a massive soft/wet spot for Forte, so his starters (Forte/Portis) get the nod over mine (S-Jax/Westbrook). Chris Johnson and Ray Rice might have a chance to be a nice little twosome for team Argall, with J. Addai floating around as well. Garrett = Yikes, Gizzi = thank jesus you got Drew Brees.

AK: My 5 tiers go as follows: 1. Ciske, Lawny; 2. Murnane, Khanna, Pagel; 3. Gallert, Argall; 4. Anderson, Luebbers; 5: Gizzi

Even accounting for the likely drop-off for Burner (I still think he’s easily top 2), you’d be hard-pressed to find a trio that will meet the RB production Lawny should have with Turner, Gore, and LJ. Proven explosiveness with no timeshare to speak of is rare to come by in the late second round, yet that’s what Gore provides. Moreover, LJ isn’t that far removed from his beastly fantasy campaigns of 2-3 years ago (who am I kidding? Well, at least he was a nice find all the way in the 5th round). Throw in that Washington could be huge with short passes from rookie QB/KR points/TJones handcuff, and that James Davis is a big sleeper, and Lawny’s my #2.

Other thoughts- I tend to disagree with you about Nate’s group; love Slay this year, and KSmith is a big-time breakout candidate… speaking of upside, Murn’s got it in excess with Beanie and Yes-shon. The only thing keeping me from moving him into the top 2 is that I think CPo is done-zo and we haven’t seen Moreno play yet… too bad it isn’t 2006, or you’d win the championship with S-Jax and Westy… if anyone out there has extra running backs, go ahead and check out Gizzi’s roster for a trade, because that is just an awful group… as big of a steal as Peyton was, Addai was that much of a busted pick for RWA.

Rookies and such

Stafford and Moreno steal the show, and it's always nice to throw in something partially related to the great MJ even when he has absolutely nothing to do with anything involved.

2009 NFL MOCK DRAFT

1. Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford QB Georgia

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Byron Leftwich QB Steelers

2.  St. Louis Rams: Jason Smith OT Baylor

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER

NFL Comparison: Chris Samuels OT Redskins

3.  Kansas City Chiefs: Aaron Curry LB Wake Forest

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER; BORDERLINE HOF

NFL Comparison: Derrick Thomas DE/LB Chiefs

4. Seattle Seahawks: Brian Orakpo DE Texas     

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Erasmus James/ Kenechi Udezi DE VIkings

5. Cleveland Browns: B.J. Raji DT Boston College     

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR; BORDERLINE PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: his own teammate, Shaun Rodgers DT Browns

6.  Cincinnati Bengals: Andre Smith OT Alabama     

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Aaron Gibson OT Lions

7. Oakland Raiders: Jeremy Maclin WR Mizzou

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER

NFL Comparison: Steve Smith WR Panthers

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: Mark Sanchez QB USC

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Akili Smith QB Bengals

9. Green Bay Packers: Tyson Jackson DE LSU

Projected NFL Career; CONTRIBUTOR

NFL Comparison: Aaron Smith DE Steelers

10. San Francisco 49ers: Eugene Monroe OT Virginia

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR; BORDERLINE PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: Bruce Matthews OT Titans

11. Buffalo Bills: Michael Oher OT Ole Miss

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Who cares.

12. Denver Broncos: Rey Maualuga LB USC

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER

NFL Comparison: Lofa Tatupa LB Seahawks

13. Washington Redskins: Brian Cushing LB USC

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Adam Archuleta S/LB Redskins/Bears

14. New Orleans Saints: Malcom Jenkins CB Ohio State

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER

NFL Comparison: Sam Madison CB Dolphins

15. Houston Texans: James Laurinatis LB Ohio State     

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Bobby Carpenter LB Cowboys

16. San Diego Chargers: Darrius Heyward-Bey WR Maryland

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Troy Williamson WR Vikings

17. New York Jets: Josh Freeman QB Kansas State

Projected NFL Career; PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER

NFL Comparison: Steve McNair QB Titans

18. Denver Broncos: Vontae Davis CB Illinois     

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER; FRANCHISE PLAYER; BORDERLINE HOF

NFL Comparison: Darrell Green CB Redskins

19. Tampa Bay Bucs: Michael Crabtree WR Texas Tech     

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR; BORDERLINE PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: Wes Welker WR Patriots

20. Detroit Lions: Everette Brown DE/OLB     

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Good old Jarvis Moss DE Broncos

21. Philadelphia Eagles: Aaron Maybin DE Penn State

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Michael Haynes Bears

22. Minnesota Vikings: Percy Harvin WR Florida

Projected NFL Career: PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: Santonio Holmes Steelers

23. New England Patriots: Alphonso Smith CB Wake Forest

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR; BORDERLINE PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: Charles Tillman Bears

24. Atlanta Falcons: Darius Butler CB Connecticut

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Willie MIddlebrooks CB Broncos

25. Miami Dolphins: Larry English DE Northern Illinois     

Projected NFL Career: HOF LOCK

NFL Comparison: Jason Taylor DE Dolphins (Akron, MAC BABY!!!)

26. Baltimore Ravens: Clint Smith LB Virginia     

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR/ BORDERLINE PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: Larry Foote LB Steelers

27. Indianapolis Colts: Chris “Beanie” Wells     

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR

NFL Comparison: Ronnie Brown RB Dolphins

28. Buffalo Bills: Clay Matthews LB USC

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Dan Morgan LB Panthers

29. New York Giants: Brandon Pettigrew TE Oklahoma State

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: Marcedes Lewis TE Jaguars

30. Tennessee Titans: Hakeem Nicks WR North Carolina

Projected NFL Career: BUST

NFL Comparison: R. Jay Soward WR Jaguars (had to get that one in there)

31. Arizona Cardinals: Knowshon Moreno RB Georgia

Projected NFL Comparison: PRO BOWLER

NFL Comparison: Brian Westbrook RB Eagles

32. Pittsburgh Steelers: Pat White QB/CB/WR/RB/S West Virginia

Projected NFL Career: CONTRIBUTOR

NFL Comparison: Brad Smith QB Missouri

 

 

 

Mock Draft

Mock Draft Here

Response

I was writing this in the comments of Luebbers' article, but the window was too small and I needed some screen space to develop my thoughts...hence the actual post.

I understand the Cutler excitement from your point of view. Until his recent time-traveling adventure back to the second grade, I was a proud member of the Cutler fan club. He's young, good and, until his next contract, is relatively cheap (cap number is LESS than Orton's for this year, it's not like trading for Favre's 12 mil contract). Bright future, yada, yada, yada.  

Couple points in your article that I don't agree with however.  

1) Implying that the Bears didn't try to get a franchise QB would be wrong. They may not have succeeded, but they have tried pretty hard. They made Harbaugh, McNown and Grossman #1 picks as well as trading a #1 pick for Mirer. Since 1987 the Bears have used 6 first rounders (including Cutler) attempting to solve this problem. That's one 1st rounder dedicated to the position every 3.66 (repeating, of course) years. The first four were hilarious failures, but at some point you have to wonder if this is just bad scouting, or a deeper seeded problem within the organization regarding the development of their quarterbacks? I'm not sure of the answer, but you'd think the law of averages says one of those four (Mirer, Harbaugh, Grossman, McNown) would have been a long-term solution - if not a franchise guy.

2) I would caution you against thinking Cutler won't throw game-blowing interceptions. I know the shitty Bears QBs of the past repeatedly disappointed fans with costly mistakes late in the game, but with Cutler you'll get costly mistakes in all quarters - he chooses not to discriminate. The difference is Cutler can usually make up for such mistakes while the others were incapable of doing so.

Does upgrading your QB from average to good make up for not filling the numerous defensive/offensive holes through top draft talent the next two years? I'm a believer in quarterbacks so I think this move makes them better, but without a top-tier defense I don't see the Bears being a title threat. A good QB will almost always guarantee a team's competitiveness in the regular season, but it takes a defense to chase titles. Cutler is poor man's Favre, and you have to remember that Favre's only title came while playing with the NFL's #1 defense.

But let me hedge by bets a little...

If a team as shitty as the Cardinals can make a Super Bowl, I wouldn't rule anyone out (except the Lions and any team starting JaMarcus Russell).

Finally

Will Furrer
Jim Harbaugh
Peter Tom Willis
Shane Matthews
Erik Kramer
Steve Walsh
Steve Stenstrom
Dave Krieg
Rick Mirer
Moses Moreno
Cade McNown
Jim Miller
Henry Burris
Chris Chandler
Cory Sauter
Rex Grossman
Kordell Stewart
Craig Krenzel
Jonathan Quinn
Chad Hutchinson
Kyle Orton
Jeff Blake
Brian Griese

This unmistakable list of losers happens to be a compilation of quarterbacks who have started games for the Chicago Bears over the last 15-20 years. Some kind of sick joke played on the fans of this beloved organization? Nope. Just stubborn incompetence on behalf of the owners, front office, and coaching staff. Somewhere along the road it became ingrained into the soul of Chicago Bears football that the only way for this team to succeed was by being able to run the ball. Having some of the very best running backs in NFL history (Payton, Sayers, James Allen) helped this notion along, but it almost became an excuse for not trying anything they could to get a franchise quarterback. While they did draft Cade McNown and Rex Grossman, two quarterbacks who were believed to be ready to lead a team for a decade and more, it became obvious that neither of these two picks were going to pay off in the end. Grossman showed slight glimmers of hope and promise during the 2006 season but there was always something about the way he played which allowed Ron Rivera to succinctly dub him a "mental midgit."

Then the phrase "game manager" was branded on new starting quarterback Kyle Orton. Orton is a good quarterback, alright well let's say decent. You can win with him, but not if he is on a team such as the Bears. His success came via a solid running game with Matt Forte and above average tight end play by Olson and Clark. He was made to look better by his teammates and I guess that's a telltale sign that you're a "game manager" and not a franchise quarterback. Up until now, other offensive players on the Bears have always had to try and make their quarterback a better player, and now that will be completely reversed by a diabetic dynamo who can and will make even the talentless Bears wide recievers look like they actually belong in the NFL.

This is the kind of move that fans of any team dream about. You think of a player out there on any team who can come in and make your team a true championship threat, and hope to Obama that your team can do something to lure him in. Well, for once as a Bears fan this has happened and that threat is real. Many-a-time during a Bears game I would think to myself what it would be like to have an actual quarterback to watch and cheer for rather than wait for one of them to make a game-costing mistake in the final minutes. This should be rather interesting.

It's not all bad in Denver

So your young, Pro Bowl quarterback successfully cried his way out of Denver, your upset, right Broncos fans?

You should be uspet about losing Cutler (although as a lot of Packer fans can attest, the more pissing and moaning the player does, the easier it is to see him go), but consider the alternative.

A month ago your coach almost pulled a Cutler for Cassel deal. If I'm not mistaking, that was pretty much a straight-up deal, no significant picks trading places. So instead of getting just Cassel for Cutler, you get the farm. You get Orton who I believe is nearly equivalent to Cassel - shows you how highly I rate Cassel - AND two 1st round picks. So you have #12 and #18 this year, your own pick next year (probably in the teens), and you're just one Cutler injury (or diabetic coma) away from a top ten pick next year.

Look on the bright side, things could have been much, much worse.

WWMD?

After hearing of the epic trade today, the gizzard and I discussed the allegiance of our favorite Buffalo-wings lover. Now that his "uncle" was ousted shortly after the 2008 season ended and his man-crush has moved to the Windy City, one can only assume all Broncos memorabilia will be promptly burned to make room for his newest blue and orange purchases.

WHAT WILL MURNANE DO?

Magic Pixie Dust- not just for Favres anymore

“Winning comes from winners.”
-J.A. Adonde

That other sound you just heard was the ghost of Ken Tremendous stirring in his grave (and by grave I mean his office at NBC studios where he produces “The Office”).

I knew J.A. was up to no good when I read the teaser for his column: “What's the secret formula to winning an NBA championship? Many think numbers are a big part of the answer. But there's another theory in play.”

In the column, Adonde takes ideas from Malcolm Gladwell’s “Outliers” and applies them to winning NBA championships. I have not read “Outliers,” so I will refrain from commenting on the book directly. I will say this, though- many of the concepts Adonde mentions are not convincing.

Here’s a quick example of what I’m talking about: “The Wages of Wins data suggested the individual components of the 2007-08 Boston Celtics were good for 52 victories based on their production the previous season. The Celtics wound up winning 66 games and the NBA championship. Clearly, something was up that couldn't be explained by the numbers.”

The 2007-2008 Boston Celtics had something like nine new players on their roster, including Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. I don’t know how the Wages of Wins calculates its expected win totals, but I do not believe there is any set of data that can accurately predict the way that many new players would play together. Saying that data are missing something important is accurate. Claiming (as he will soon do) that the data didn’t account for Celtic mysticism is The Secret-esque nonsense.

“What option did Garnett have other than winning a championship?”

This is post hoc reasoning. Would Adonde write this column if Bynum had been healthy for the finals and the Lakers had defeated the Celtics? Yes, he would. Except he’d be writing about how Kobe had no choice but to win a title because of Abdul-Jabbar's and Magic’s magic pixie dust, instead of the Russell-Bird pixie dust.

“Think of the exposure Pierce had to winning traditions, from his youth watching the Showtime Lakers in Inglewood to his college years at Kansas to his pro career spent entirely in Boston. When he reached the NBA Finals at last, after 10 years in the league, it was as if he knew exactly what to do, which is why he won the Finals MVP award.”

??!?!?!?! If this were the case, why didn’t Kobe Bryant play even better than Pierce? He actively contributed to THREE title-winning teams. How is that not better ‘winning’ experience than merely watching the Showtime Lakers?

“But do you really think Pierce, Garnett and Allen would have had the same results if they had assembled in Memphis?”

Yes.

Adonde continues: “Bird, Magic, Shaquille O'Neal and Garnett each won their first MVP award at age 27. Kobe Bryant, Charles Barkley and David Robinson won at 29. With a subjective award such as the MVP, some of the timing can be explained by voters' wanting players to "wait their turn" and cede to the league's hierarchy. But there's an understanding of the game, an ability to predict what happens next, a gradual extension of the shooting range that comes with time.”

I agree. Players get better as they reach their prime. This happens to all players in all sports, regardless of how magical their franchises are. Ryan Braun will be better at 27 than he was at 24. The Brewers franchise will not have caused this improvement (except through good coaching, which is probably a marginal factor anyway. Players get better with age.

Adonde then shoots himself in the foot by admitting that the MVP is a bad example because the voting process is so subjective. LeBron should have at least one MVP already, but stubborn voters haven’t given it to him because his team has been lousy, but more importantly because he’s had to compete against older guys like Nash and Bryant.

I hate how FJM this post is already, but I have to keep it going just a little longer.

“Winning comes from winners. It's almost impossible to create champions from scratch in this league, to ask a group of players who haven't accomplished anything before to grab the ultimate prize. Since 1980, the only champions with no previous NBA winners on their roster were the 1981 Celtics, the 1983 76ers, the 1989 Pistons, the 1991 Bulls and the 1994 Rockets. But those teams all had players who had won championships or at least been to the Final Four in college or had been to the Finals before (Bird on the Celtics; Bobby Jones, Julius Erving and Moses Malone on the Sixers; Isiah Thomas and Mark Aguirre on the Pistons; Michael Jordan and Stacey King on the Bulls; Hakeem Olajuwon on the Rockets).”

In other words, five teams in the past 27 years have won titles without any previous NBA champions on their roster. That appears to be powerful evidence for the need to have experience on a team in order to win a title. Bull shit. I’m calling shenanigans, because this throws out the 92, 93, 96, 97, and 98 Bulls teams, the 95 Rockets, the 84 and 86 Celtics, and 1990 Pistons (and maybe a few more). That’s nine title-winning teams on which the best player or players won their first title without any help from ‘winning’ players. If we factor this in, 14/27 title teams either had no prior title experience or their best players had no help from title contenders until they won their first one. I may not be making this clear enough. Look at the Bulls. In 1991, they had no title experience. In 1992, they had lots of title experience. Were the 1992 Bulls destined to win, and the 1991 Bulls just got lucky? I’m not sure that’s what Adonde wants to imply, but it sure seems like it.

“The secret behind the ‘instant’ success of the 2008 Celtics was that it was actually years in the making, that the folks in Boston reaped the benefits of the evolution of three key players, fused by the unique history of that franchise.”

That sentence is eight words too long. If he means to imply that the success of the 2008 was years in the making because of previous front office decisions (keeping Pierce, drafting Rondo and Jefferson, etc) then fine, I’ll grant that. Of course success doesn’t happen over night. But if he means what I think he means - that the success of the Garnett-led Celtics is owed in part to the Celtics of the 60s and the 80s, then I think he’s terribly wrong. The 2008 Celtics won the title because Garnett is awesome, Pierce played extremely well, and they got lucky. If Bynum had been healthy, Adonde would be writing the same story about the Lakers. And that’s the problem with the column. It can be written about just about any team ever.

Lots of experience? Winning breeds winners.

No title experience? Either the team is historically successful or some players went to the Final Four or maybe they won a tournament in 7th grade or something. WINNERS.

I don’t think Adonde is dumb. I don’t think he’s a bad sportswriter. Bill Plaschke is dumb and a bad sportswriter. But he’s really gone off the deep end here. The Celtics didn’t win last year because of numbers. Their #1 rating in defensive efficiency didn’t help them win. Bill Russell helped them win. What else could they have done? (other than lose to the Lakers, in which case the Lakers were destined to win.)

If this blog post seems disconnected, it’s because my source material is nothing if not disconnected. Adonde’s central thesis is unclear and his logic and evidence are inconsistent at best and downright sloppy at worst. He’s guilty of taking an interesting idea and applying it inappropriately and inconsistently.

Look, team chemistry matters. Luck matters. History matters. Magic franchise pixie dust does not.

World Baseball "Classic"

http://www.mlb.com/wbc/2009/rosters/index.jsp?roster=final&team=usa&season=2009


This is the incredibly pathetic Team USA WBC roster, my vote for worst in show is Gary Indiana's favorite son, Latroy Hawkins.

PTI Follow Up

Are the Spurs better without Tim Duncan?!!?!??!! They beat the Blazers last week without him, and then yesterday they lost big with him. Therefore, in Plaschke world, Tim Duncan is a terrible player and will never lead the Spurs to a title.

Around the Shitstorm

Many moons ago, I used to savor afternoon television.

After many a trying day of playing bass clarinet and listening to Blink-182 at Libertyville High School, the one feather in my cap at the end of the day would be the rock solid afternoon lineup of Around the Horn, Pardon the Interruption, Back2Back Simpsons, and Seinfeld. Times were merry.

These days have passed.

Pardon the Interruption has gone downhill (as has all of ESPN), and The Simpsons and Seinfeld change times more often than Aaron Rodgers changes hair styles. But the worst of all, by far, is what has become of Around the Horn.

Future Pro-Bowler or Poison front-man?

Around the Horn is the biggest piece of shit sports show I have ever seen in my life. It used to be, at the very least, watchable in its early days. The questions were interesting and the debates were, for the most part, intelligent. I don't know what happened. Every time I watch the show now the first 2 or 3 questions are about ARod, Phelps, or Favre. Bill Plaschke doesn't know what a statistic or a complete sentence is (see these archives). It seems to me that all Woody Paige does when he's on TV is scream nonsense, but what do I know, I'm not even on TV. And as we all know, Jay Mariotti is a fag, Jay Mariotti is a fag, and JAY MARIOTTI IS A FAG!

I love you, Ozzie

I stopped watching Around the Horn regularly a long time ago, mainly because of the aforementioned fucks giving me perennial rage if I did. Unfortunately, I recently tuned in for a few minutes Tuesday afternoon and was treated to this intriguing query.

"Are the Celtics better off without Kevin Garnett?"

Are the Celtics better off without the player who transformed a team of garbage, one above average player, and a subpar coach into the best defensive team in the league, eastern conference champions, and NBA champions in one season?

Are the Celtics better off without a former MVP, Defensive Player of the Year, Nine-time All-NBA, and Nine-time All-NBA Defensive Team player?

Wow Reali, thats a real brain buster. Gimme a fuckin' break, is it really that hard to come up with 4 or 5 debatable questions for this show a day? Make me a writer for Around the Horn, I got a bunch of good questions right here. Are the Colts better off without Peyton Manning? Is Tiger Woods better off if he only hits 7 irons during a round? Is Ichiro a better fielder if he plays without a mit and blindfolded?

While the later may be true, the bottom line is that Around the Horn sucks donkey balls and nobody should ever watch it again.